Yes, Everyone with Bossypants is Hanging Out Without Me, Please

It’s no shocker to anyone who has met me ever that I love books.  I love all kinds of books.  As long as it has a story (and isn’t too scary), I’m in.  I don’t read as much nonfiction as I do fiction; however, there’s one niche of nonfiction that lately, I absolutely love.  That is the comedy memoir, if that’s what you want to call it.  The books by Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Mindy Kaling have especially caught my attention and made me laugh.  I know it’s boringly typical to point to these by three famous comediennes; but if you haven’t read their books, you should.  I also like the parenting related humor, for obvious reasons, and I’ve read quite a few books written by your average, everyday comedy writers, as well.

            I just recently finished Amy Poehler’s Yes, Please.  To me, it’s as honest as comedy can be and it resounded with me even while I laughed.  Just like when I read Tina Fey’s Bossypants and Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, Adam had to put up with a great deal of paragraphs being read out loud and laughs repeated until he asked what was so funny.

            Other than making me laugh and at times, pointing things out about life, I learned from these books.  My not-so-secret ambition is to be a writer.  So, when I start reading these books, I arrogantly think I could write a book in this genre.  However, each of these glaringly pointed out the fact that I am not funny.  I like to think I am, but sadly, most other people would probably disagree with me.  I make jokes and often quote things I think are funny in daily conversation and most of the time, they are overlooked or misunderstood.  Sad.  All of you are missing out on my wealth of not-so-funny humor.  I think funny things happen to me every single day.  I am always laughing to myself.  Adam and I are still silly together.  We have no trouble accepting this and we make each other laugh constantly.  I love that about our relationship.  But, not book worthy.   Too bad, really.  If I wrote a book like that, I’m sure that I would think it was hilarious.  Who knows?  Maybe someday.

            So, what was the point of all of this rambling, you ask (if you’ve even made it this far)?  The point was three fold (or possibly there were three points)…1) you should read/laugh more, 2) I may not be actually all that funny, but I enjoy thinking I am, and 3) if you have any ideas for a book that I should write, I would love to hear them.  I’m always working on the next not-so-great American novel/memoir/short story/poem.

Nine Things in Nine Months

Disclaimer: I have been a mom for nine months.  I do not know that much about being a mother, nor do I claim to.  However, I have learned a little now…don’t worry too much about Amelia, I’m a quick learner.

            I’ve almost been a mom for as long as I was pregnant.  It’s hard to believe, both because it seems like a short time and it seems as though Amelia has always been a part of our lives.  Let me just say, she’s awesome and I’m confident that you’ll read my bragging about her in another post.  However, today, I’m going to show-off all of my newfound “knowledge.”  I’m also going to preface this list with the fact that I had little to no baby experience before June of 2014, when Amelia was born.  I adore kids and I get along well with them, but babies and I just haven’t had a lot of time together.  So, this mom thing is, was, and will continue to be, as it is for every first time mom, a learning experience.

            I thought that since I have this wealth of knowledge from the last nine months, I would share.  I call it knowledge, knowing that my knowledge is limited and probably silly to those of you who have more of it than I do.  Bear with me, once again.  I also know that my daughter is an easy baby…so I know that all of this is shaped by that particular part of my experience.  I’m going to speak in complete sweeping generalities, so you can enjoy that, in your superior knowledge that I have one baby and everything will probably change if a baby #2 comes along.

            Anyway, on to today’s main event…

9. Babies are gross.  You expect the diapers, but man, nothing can prepare you for all of it – spit up, snot, spit, and the fact that they don’t know not to roll in things or touch things or even taste things.  They also have no control over this grossness and when it makes its appearance.  Yuck.  Haha, it can be just as endearing as it is gross, but gross nonetheless.  Just prepare your heart.

8. Something that worked amazingly well last week, or yesterday, or even an hour ago, may fail miserably.  This includes techniques for feeding, changing, playing and especially for going to sleep.  So, it’s a constant process of trail and error.  Somehow, this tidbit of knowledge doesn’t actually contradict #7.

7. Babies love routine.  They like to know what to expect and are more comfortable when they can predict what’s next.  Amelia has responded especially well to a bedtime routine, which is unbelievably awesome.

6. If you let them, babies can be all consuming.  It’s easy to get caught up in when she’ll eat next, what she’ll eat, what she’ll wear, how to entertain her, and it goes on and on.  Honestly, she’s fine.  I’ve worked hard to think about other things, too, and I’m glad I have been able to do that.

5. Babies don’t have a long memory…yet.  All parents mess up.   Granted, this happens to some more than others, but intentions here are key.  Babies understand love and they understand attempts to take care of them.  They won’t remember that you put the diaper on backwards repeatedly, or accidentally let the dog lick them, or that you put them in the wrong outfit or whatever other million small mistakes you make.

4.  Babies know who you are.  I firmly believe that Amelia knew exactly who I was the moment she saw me and I firmly believe that she has continued to do so for her entire life.  I think that’s just part of it.  She’s knows I’m Mommy and that is a humbling and extremely powerful thing.  She knows who takes care of her and who loves her.  I don’t mean to claim that it’s a biological connection so much as an emotional one.  I think it’s true in every family, no matter the shape, makeup or size.

3. Babies change constantly.  It’s unreal.  I am constantly amazed at the new things she knows and does every single day.  Sometimes, I get home from work and I feel like she’s almost a completely different baby.  It’s exciting and a little melancholy all at once.  Moments and stages and skills fly by, as quickly as the stickers on her little memory calendar are used.

2. Parents fall in love with their babies.  It’s a process.  I did love Amelia from the moment we knew about her and that love was strengthened as soon as she was born.  However, it was and it wasn’t love at first sight.  I fall in love with her more each day and I add reasons to the explanation of why I love her each day.  I know people say this all the time, but it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

1. For some reason, people care how you choose to take care of your baby.  That doesn’t mean you have to care that they care or let them influence your decisions.  The mommy wars are real…it’s ridiculous and can be hurtful and bewildering.  I will never understand why it matters to other people how I choose to feed, dress, interact with or just take care of my child, as long as she is safe and loved.  I want all children to be safe, to have what they need, and most of all to be loved.  Other than that, figure out how things work for you.  As Amy Poehler said, “good for you, not for me.”  Figure out what’s good for you and disregard whether it was what is good for me.

Boom, there you have it; nine of the things I’ve learned in nine months. 

This Is Ourselves Under Pressure

You may, or may not, know that Vanilla Ice sampled Queen and David Bowie's bassline from their hit song 'Under Pressure' to create his hit track 'Ice Ice Baby'. I know this because...well, I can't really give you a non-embarrasing reason, but it's equal parts the song being a huge hit when I was 10, I'm a big Bowie fan, I love pop culture, it's a ridiculous VH-1 pop up video scenario, and it's just hilarious. Robert Matthew Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, garnered great fame and infamy from the song. He had to deal with the pressure of whether or not to credit Queen and David Bowie with the bassline.

On a more serious note, the reality is that life is full of pressure, and what matters is how we respond to it.

I've been reading Tony La Russa's latest book, 'One Last Strike'. It's the story of the St. Louis Cardinals 2011 World Series Championship season. I love the Cardinals! It's been a really fun book to read. I'm constantly recalling how I felt during that season, and how I felt about the team throughout the season and games. It's been very enlightening to read how he managed the season, team, games, situations, pitches, personalities, trials, and successes. 

With 19 games left in the season, the Cardinals began a series with the Atlanta Braves. It is in the midst of this series that Tony La Russa takes a break from the game breakdown to pause and examine how his team and players respond to pressure. I'll spare you the, what-you-might-think-of-as, boring details, but his team was down 2 runs with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the ninth inning with the best closer in baseball on the mound. Craig Kimbrel was facing Albert Pujols with the game on the line.

'...high pressure situations aren't something that you just wake up born to deal with.' La Russa's coaching staff and the Cardinals organization coaches their players on how to deal with pressure by confronting it, not by running from it or allowing whatever happens to happen. Their coaching points are:

1. Don't run away from it. Feel it. Deal with it.
2. By dealing with it, players can experience it. This allows them some self-discovery as to how they can best deal with pressure by either slowing down or amping up to the moment.
3. Complacency can destroy your ability to rise to a challenge.
4. Prepare to deal with pressure. If the players know themselves and how they react, they can know what to work on in handling pressure.
5. Concentrate on the process, not the result. If you're focused on the result, you feel the anxiety.

Albert tied the game with a base hit by making pressure his friend, and scored the first runs Kimbrel had allowed in over 1 month.

Why am I rambling on and on about Vanilla Ice, Tony La Russa, baseball, and pressure. I'm not really sure, but here goes. Some of you know, but some of you don't, that I was in a traumatic car accident 8 years ago, as a result of my own poor decisions. <Insert comment about a previous blog in 3, 2, 1> Feel free to read more about it in a prior blog entry. Did pressure drive to that moment in my life...maybe, but I don't think so.

The pressure I felt after my car accident came during my recovery. I was making great progress in dealing with my injuries, rehabilitation, and mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual state. I wasn't ready for the gut shot I received when I started to receive the bills. Maybe I was skating through on the surface of my recovery, or maybe the scope of it all wasn't able to sink in because of the painkillers I was on, maybe I wasn't as far along with my recovery as I thought, but I was thrown into a tailspin of self-loathing and depression. I wasn't ready to deal with the pressure, and pressure definitely wasn't my friend.

Throughout the next several months, I would learn to deal with the pressure, about myself, my situation, and how to rise to the challenge. I was struggling with complacency, and was bound by the result, rather than the process. I'm not sure when it happened, but one day I came to the realization that, 'this is the situation you're in Adam, and you have to deal with it...so deal with it!'

I have learned a lot about myself over the last 8 years, and am thankful for so much. We all deal with pressure, and it's all relative. We deal with it at home with bills, family, putting the baby to bed, taking the dog out in -20 degree weather, or whatever. We deal with it at work with deadlines, budgets, co-workers, or annual reviews. There's really no escaping it. So we have to deal with it, and try to make it our friend. That way we can be proactive, rather than reactive to the pressure.

Vanilla Ice succumbed to the pressure, and gave Queen and David Bowie songwriting credit for the sample.

Tony La Russa and the Cardinals would go on to the MLB post-season, and claim the World Series Championship.

And here I am 8 years later.

The Wisdom of Ricky Bobby

Or…One of the Reasons that Lent is Important to Me

            “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” is one of those movies that gets a laugh.  It regales its audience with deep, thoughtful quotes like “if you ain’t first, you’re last.”  So, when I mention it in relation to the spiritual season and practice of Lent, you may roll your eyes.

            If you do, you’re right.  I don’t have any theological education, I haven’t studied extensively, and I’m not going to make any deep claims that I have more knowledge than anyone else.  However, I did take something away from this movie that I have applied to my own personal view of Jesus.

            In “Talladega Nights,” there is a scene in which Ricky Bobby and his shake-n-bake sidekick, Cal Naughton, Jr. are discussing Jesus as they say the blessing over their piecemeal family dinner of fast food items.  They each discuss their “favorite Jesus” and how they like to think of Jesus.  The two top each other as they describe how they think of him.  Ricky Bobby starts out his blessing by praying to “dear Lord baby Jesus, lying there in your ghost manger, just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning about shapes and colors.”  Later in the scene, Cal claims that he likes to think of Jesus with “giant eagle wings” or in a “tuxedo t-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”  Of course, this was written solely for a laugh, not to have any theological implications.  And, honestly, I’m not saying that it does…

            However, it did remind me of something.  Everyone thinks of Jesus differently (you know, “Some children see him…”).  We have to be both conscious and careful of this.  Often, we project onto Jesus who we want him to be or what makes us the most comfortable.  This can even go so far as belief that Jesus judged or excluded people that are different from us, or who we disagree with or who may make us uncomfortable for whatever reason.  When, in reality, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Jesus (and God, for that matter) is love and acceptance.  Love is the answer to it all; the resounding truth of Jesus’ story.  I could go into a great deal more detail on that, but it wasn’t exactly my point today.  That’s a thought for another day.  I can’t help but say one thing though – when we discriminate or judge or avoid or exclude on any basis, especially in the name of Jesus, we are not following his lead.

            Ok, ok, anyway, back to the point at hand.  This reminder, albeit given in an unlikely way, communicates to me that Jesus wasn’t one-dimensional.  Jesus had a full, but short by our standards, life and had an unbelievably wide range of experiences.  Not all of these were happy or easy.  Often, we find it much easier to solely concentrate on the happy times.  We show up for Christmas and Easter, to celebrate.  We overlook the not-so-easy or not-so-celebrate-y times.  Lent is one of thost times.  Sometimes, it is popular to claim that we are truly participating in Lent when we give up something for a few weeks.  I do not mean to belittle that practice at all; it can be a true and sincere experience and is modeled after Jesus’ forty days of fasting and going without.  However, that isn’t all that this season should be for us.  Lent is a time built in for us to reflect, to repent and to reassess our lives.  Should we give something up?  Should we add something to our lives?  Should we change something about our outlook, our attitude, our priorities?

            This year, we weren’t able to participate in an Ash Wednesday service, due to the extreme cold and all of this prohibitive weather.  So, this year, I missed that physical reminder of the beginning of an imperative season in the church.  The physical reminder was missed, but the season has not been.  I urge you, whether this is a yearly practice for you or one that’s brand new, to look into Lent.  Figure out the meaning behind it and what it can mean to you specifically.  Think about your life and how you’re using it.  Journey with Jesus (let your favorite Jesus be the real Jesus) as he prepares for what’s coming. 

Telling Big Stories with Small Things

If you have had the patience to sort through all of my ramblings and boastings that, let’s face it, are mostly about Amelia, you have probably put together that I may be a little bit of a nerd.  No worries here, I accepted, even embraced it, long ago.  A while ago, after a reliable recommendation, I read “The Read Jane Austen: A Life in Small Things” by Paula Byrne.  Each chapter in the book examines an artifact from Jane Austen’s personal life to show how it influenced her books; the characters or the setting or the plot.  I’ve accepted that most people probably don’t share my interest in this as a literary device or in Jane Austen herself, and so, I won’t drone on about that in and of itself.  I know that, reader, you’ve been patient to bear with me so far, so thanks for that.  Anyway…that book, coupled with one of the most poignant quotes (quoted above) from one of my favorite, cheesy, romantic movies, You’ve Got Mail, strikes a chord with me.

In You’ve Got Mail, as any AOL user from the 1990s would put together, the main characters communicate via email.  There’s an inherent excitement in those three little words – You’ve. Got. Mail.  Because of this story-telling framework that underlies the romantic comedy part of things, there are quite a few soul-baring emails that are voiced over as they are typed or read.   This quote is from one of those emails…

“Sometimes I wonder about my life.  I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave?  So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?  I don’t really want an answer.  I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.  So good night, dear void. “ –Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail

Sometimes I wonder about my life, Kathleen.  I’m sure we all do.  As children, as teenagers, even as young adults (and some of us, on into older-than-young adulthood), we often have dreams bigger than life.  There are countless preschoolers who would claim to want to be superheroes or princesses or astronauts or Olympians or cowboys or any number of other storybook worthy occupations.  As we grow up, so do our dreams.  Some of us do grow up to be famous or to leave our mark in a public and society altering way.  Most of us, however, do use small things to tell big stories.  We all leave a mark and make a difference; it just may be on a smaller scale than our younger selves envisioned.  It’s up to us how that difference takes shape and whether it’s one that improves our world or tears down.

Small does not equate to less valuable, but that’s a realization that comes with growing up.   It can be a tough lesson to learn, or at least to accept.  Personally, I know that to be true and I don’t question the validity or the value in my small life, but sometimes it can be difficult to look back and see the difference in the scales with which fifteen year old or even twenty five year old Katy dreamt and thirty year old Katy lives.  I think most, if not all, of us want to be great.  We want to be great at something; maybe not the best, but still great.  There are people out there who are great – most of them have that one thing that ignites their passion and they have the support, the opportunities and the talent that fuels that greatness.  It happens.  However, the vast majority of us dabble in many different things.  We all have talents and gifts that we may nurture or forget, and we may be good, or even really good, at a few of those things.  Our greatness lies in the small things.  Like Sylvia Plath sort of said, Virginia Woolf repeatedly implied and both struggled with endlessly, choosing one thing wholeheartedly means losing all of the rest.

I can and will continue to strive to be great to Adam, to Amelia, to Scout, to the rest of my family and friends, but the world, or even the country, or my town, or my community most likely won’t remember my legacy.  It, whatever it is (and that’s a conversation for another day), will have to be passed down through those who truly know me.  There’s value in washing bottles, in walking a dog, in doing my job well, in reading, in every other small thing that demands my time.  Cognitively, I know that…and we all know that, sometimes we just need that reminder.  Someday, people may look at artifacts from my life to tell my story as a whole.  Someday, I may show up in history books.  If I do, I hope I can be proud of my story.  If I don’t, I will rest easy knowing that each small thing added up to great things because, as Mother Theresa, so inspiringly put it, I also will strive to, “do small things with great love.”

Bring Your Love To Me...

This is the 5th track on The Avett Brothers album "The Magpie and the Dandelion". It was released on October 15, 2013. 2 weeks later we would find out that Katy was pregnant. I had been listening to this album, basically, non-stop since it was released. I sorta liked this song, but when I found out that I was going to be a father, it took on a new meaning to me.

The hours we spent in the hospital awaiting Amelia's arrival were equal parts of what we expected coupled with doses of surprises. The first surprise was that Katy was already in labor upon our arrival. Can I just say that my wife is one of the toughest people I know?!?! Also, she performed like a champ that evening and following day. We watched several comforting/light movies that we brought, and settled in for a long night and day. The nurses and doctors told us to sleep...yeah right! That was great advice, but a little hard to follow with all the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

I tried to sleep dreaming of what Amelia would look like, picturing Katy and myself holding her while our families surrounded us. Prior to that day, I hadn't really been able to imagine what that day would look like, so I was really enjoying it. We had music ready and a gameplan for the big arrival. The room was bustling with activity beginning around 3:30pm on June 5th. Nurse Tanya told us that soon there'd be another person with us, and all of a sudden, there she was.

I was told all about what to expect from books, family, friends, the internet, and many others, but nothing could have prepared me for those first few moments, minutes, and hours. While I was driving around listening to these lyrics in October of 2013, June 5, 2014 seemed so far away:

"Bring our love to me

I will hold it like a newborn child

One of my own blood

I might just even sing a song

To keep it calm" 

I was helpless in Amelia's first 2 hours of life. I couldn't do anything to comfort or calm her. All I could do was pray, and trust that the nurses and doctors would do their best for Amelia, Katy, and myself. I had no idea what to do. I walked back to Katy's room to give her an update. I paced the hallways to give my family an update. I went back to check on Amelia. I would retrace these steps and scenarios several times over the next hour. I was a wreck. I just wanted to hold her, calm her, be with Katy, and celebrate our new family.

Fast forward eight months, countless lullaby playlists plays, lost voices, and long nights later - I love singing that song to Amelia. It reminds me of one of the most joyous moments of my life. It reminds me of how much I love Katy, and am proud of her. It reminds me of how much I instantly loved Amelia. It reminds me of how much I love music, and love singing to Amelia. It allows the chance to dream and look forward to what she'll mean to our lives. It reminds me of how much love I have for the many people and things for which I care.

These have been the 8 greatest months of my life, and I can't wait to learn to rest of the notes that will be the music we share.