Mom-Shaming by Accident

             A few weeks ago, I took Amelia to the playground, which is not exactly an uncommon occurrence for us.  On this particular day, I had picked her up from daycare, taken her to the playground, and Adam was going to meet us there to pick her up and take her home.  I had to go back to work that evening for a school event.  Because of that, I still had on my work clothes and my badge hanging around my neck.

            Anyway, we were playing on the slide that is currently our favorite.  Amelia has recently discovered the steps leading up to the slide and honestly, right now; I think she enjoys the steps more than the slide.   On this particular day, another little girl, a couple years older than Amelia, approached us with a smile.  I smiled back, but before introductions could be made, her mom called her back, away from us, with the words, “come back over here, that little girl doesn’t get much time with her mommy.”  Her mother smiled at me, nodded and they left for another part of the playground.  This woman’s smile was genuine; she seemed to feel that she had done me a favor.

            The only explanation I can come up with is that she saw my badge and knew that I am a working mother.  Based on this, she made a few assumptions about the time and the quality of the time that I spend with Amelia.  I’m not trying to get into whether or not I do have enough time with her.  Is that every really the case?  Do we ever have enough time with the people we love?  I’m not trying to debate the pros and cons of being a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom.  I’m not trying to question this mom either; I do believe that her smile was genuine, that her intent was good. 

            Even so, it didn’t have the intended effect.  I’ve been a parent for almost sixteen months at this point, not terribly long in the grand scheme of things.  Adam and I have both been on the receiving end of comments and advice that wasn’t always solicited.  The approach has always been very different for Adam’s experiences than it has been for mine.  I’m sure that all parents have some stories, just like the one above.  I’m also sure that this is not unique to parenting. 

            I am a firm believer that intentions matter, but at the same time, we are also the only ones who can control the words that come out of our mouths.  We owe it to those we are speaking to, most especially those we don’t know, to think of the effect our words can have.  Words can have a profound effect.  Words matter; it’s one of my favorite things to say to youth and to my kids at school.  So, please, think about how your words could affect others.  You’ll never know exactly what they’ve been through.  If you want to offer advice, take the time to get to know them or at least ask a question rather than make an assumption. 

Rocky Top, You'll Always Be, Home Sweet Home To Me

           

If you know us at all, you most likely know that we are die-hard University of Tennessee fans.  While I will never deny that I am extremely competitive and that does extend to my love for the Vols, this particular post is not about their record, their wins or their losses.  I’m going to try to keep that part out of this, even though, after yesterday’s heartbreakingly frustrating loss, that may be more difficult than I am anticipating.

I come by this love of the Vols honestly.  My family has been full of huge fans my entire life.  I attended my first Tennessee football game in 1985; the year I turned one.  We’ve been through frustrating years, good years, wins, losses, controversies, bowl games and even championships.  I know some of you might fight me on this, but college football is full of tradition, where pro football can’t even compare.  Tennessee has the Vol Walk, the Pride of the Southland Marching Band, the Power ‘T” pregame, Smoky, the Vol Navy, and on and on it goes.  The cheers are mostly the same as they were when I was a child.  The stadium, while it’s been updated, is completely familiar.  I have family members, especially my Dad, who say the same things in the same situations each game day, i.e. “why play anywhere else” as potential recruits watch the Vol Walk.  Tennessee football has been the reason I’ve travelled to quite a few places in the country; whether it was for a bowl game or just a big, hyped up away game, my family was there.  I did miss the 1998 National Championship game in Tempe, Arizona, but that’s another, somewhat bitter story for another time.  To sum it up, obviously, the Vols have always been a part of my family life.  There are no occasions when we’re all together that it doesn’t at least come up in conversation. 

Outsiders may roll their eyes.   As new in-laws marry in to the family, they’ve all had to do their research and at least learn to follow Tennessee football.  I was lucky; Adam was already a fan.  Although, I do like to think that I’ve helped him to take it all up a notch.  Anyway, go ahead, roll your eyes.  We know it’s a hobby and that it’s just a game.  It is; it’s just a game, but it’s a game we care about and a game that has given us all a common interest to share.  That’s really the point. 

This season, Amelia has a cheerleader outfit, a onesie and a dress to show her support of the Vols.  Yep, I have no problem accepting the fact that I’m encouraging her to be a fan.  She has no say right now in the fact that she is a Tennessee fan (She’s also a Wake fan, by the way, and that’s also my fault.  The fact that I also bleed back and old gold is true but isn’t a part of this story.).  I’m completely ok with that.  She will look back at pictures of our family and see that she was a part of things.  She will know that we included her and that we helped her to enjoy the fanfare, the fun, the family bonding and the game.  If, as she grows up, she doesn’t enjoy football, that’s fine.  If she decides to pull for another team, she’ll have a tough time at family gatherings, but that’s fine.  She will have complete control of where she chooses to attend college and if she chooses to attend another university in the SEC that isn’t Tennessee, I’ll miss her for four years, but it’ll also be fine. 

So, win or lose, I’ll keep pulling for them.  I’ll learn the new cheers, buy the new Nike swag, go to all the games I can, cheer when they win, struggle when they lose, be reminded that it’s just a game and be blindly optimistic for the proverbial next Saturday and even next season.  Go Vols.